dear bright eyed, hopeful me—-
you walked across the stage just one year ago, awarded your master of clinical psychology. how could it only be a year?
you listened to a speaker talk about how as you leave wheaton you will be embarking on new adventures. but not to forget. not to forget about what you learned here.
have i forgotten? it’s only been a year!
a master of clinical psychology. it doesn’t seem that much. it doesn’t seem so grand. it’s become: a friend, a listener, a helper, a learner.
those things define what happens in my therapy hours. whether it is talking with couples, playing wall-ball outside my office with a young boy, or sitting with a crying girl my same age.
i learned much more in those hours at wheaton than was taught by my textbooks. experience, perseverance, hope.
i wish i would have known a year ago: that life is humbling. that god is faithful.
and that a year goes by fast. so open your eyes. take it in.
i have been terrible at blogging lately.
i think that it is for a couple reasons: partly because i refuse to get internet at my apartment. and also because there is just too much… like i wouldn’t even know where to start.
i spent a week traveling with my boss out west. we spent a couple days in seattle and then went on to portland for a psychology conference. i realized a couple things:
- i have become an introvert. i spent a lot of time alone…walking, exploring, sitting in coffee shops. i loved it.
- i love traveling. seeing new places. being somewhere that no one knows me.
- i also remembered how much i love learning. how much i love listening to a professor talk about a new concept. having the lightbulb turn on in my head.
- i realized how sweet my time was at wheaton, and how god used that experience for good. i got to see a few professors and also a few classmates. and it made me reflect on that time. and thankful for what has happened since those days.
life is good. most days and weeks pass by without much happening. i sit with people in pain. i see glimmers of hope. i play outside on the weekend. i catchup with friends.
god is in it. he cares about it all.
yep. 5 months already.
i work a sales job. i have always thought i would be terrible at sales. that it would never be something i would want to do. selling cars, houses, insurance. working on commission. no way.
and it hit me recently. that’s what i do. i work a sales job.
i have to convince people that counseling is worth it. worth their time, their money, their loss of comfort.
i have to convince people that i know what i am talking about. that i am a safe place, a trustworthy friend. some people need a little more prodding than others. some need constant reassurance that i will not desert them. that i am not going to turn on them like all others have turned on them.
i continue to become more and more comfortable in this chair. the chair of the therapist. i am still constantly reading, trying to plan treatment, learn about theories.
i was in wheaton last weekend to visit the macdonalds and it felt funny to be back around that place. in some ways it felt like i never left. kinda fun to be there but to be different. to know i am not the same person i was a year ago.
let me say this. it is worth it. it is never too late.
i am more convinced then ever before. deal with your junk. it’s not going anywhere. whether you are 7 or 70. it is always worth it.
“True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction.”
-Psalm 23, The Message
i never want to forget. and yet i am so bad at remembering.
a couple weeks ago i sent a friend (who was in my program) a text to help me remember the name of a girl that was my patient at the hospital last year. this girl who consumed so many days. who drove me crazy. who taught me so much. i couldnt remember her name. how do you forget something like that? how could i possibly forget this girl who i thought was going to drive me away from being counselor.
i began the week praying over a suicidal man. a grown man who just cried and cried with me. he was terrified and for some reason came to the doctor’s office i work at. i had a cancellation and was able to see him on the spot. divine appointment. he said he felt like a weight was taken off his back i dont want to forget that.
as i wrapped up my week of seeing patients today i got a tad overwhelmed at the thought of how quickly i forget. i dont want to forget the way i felt this week. for some reason i was more present with people. more curious, confident. i sat with my last patient and cried a couple times at her courage. at her 70 year old self that constantly reminds me that it never too late. i dont want to forget her.
i am thankful to the lord this week. i feel so humbled that he would use someone like me. i began the week and ended the week in the same way…praying with patients that the lord would SHOW US BOTH his kindness and love. i need it too.
phew. glad it’s thursday.
btw. i only see patients monday-thursday because fridays i meet with my co-worker to talk about cases and encourage each other. i have named fridays “fill-up-fridays.” and so that’s what we do. a day devoted to things that only fill us up. maybe i will write about that sometime.
“it’s your kindness, lord, that leads us to repentance.”
i have been thinking about this character of our king today. he is kind.
we serve a kind king. he does not laugh at our pain. he does not enjoy our misery.
i love definitions of words. kindness means: “the quality of being friendly, generous, considerate. understanding and sympathizing with others.”
i’m so glad that the lord is kind.
he understands our frame. he knows how it is to be human.