blossomingjoy

why do parents pierce their teeny tiny baby’s ears??

i am so upset about it.

grad school is kicking my tail.

i am busy and tired. 

and so blessed.

trying to wrap up this season well. 5 weeks left. 

there will be a lot of sadness leaving this place. (or rather the people in this place). i was watching claire last night when i needed to be studying for a ridiculous theology test today and got so sad cause there aren’t that many more days of claire in my life. 

Never once did we ever walk alone 

Never once did You leave us on our own 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful 

hanging on those song lyrics today.

yes, he is faithful.

so my momma came to visit this past weekend. it was a delight. i realized that it was the first time we have ever been on a “trip” without any of the boys. which was weird. but awesome. she is an amazing friend to me. i’m so glad she finally got to come to the place i have been living, meet some really important people to me, and buy me new clothes. 

this picture is the ceiling in the macy’s downtown. i had never been in there. it used to be marshall field’s. so cool. 

we went to an unreal store. the whole thing was packed full of buttons, ribbons and feathers. a dream. 

here we are in front of the bean. 

this was an awesome mural we bumped into. the whole thing is tile. and ginormous. 

chicago, i might miss you one day.

thanks for coming mom. xoxo.

i feel like i am constantly writing blog posts in my head. and never sit down to write them. 

{i’m sorry…this photo is just too funny. it is my mom’s birthday today and i took it to send to her. and think is is hilarious.}

i feel like i have a lot going on. and not a lot going on at the same time. 

i am learning beaucoups. {is that how you spell that?} i am learning at internship. learning at life. in class. hopefully at driving. {sometimes i wish i was a good driver}.

things are good. and things are totally overwhelming. my patients test my patience. ha. there are kids at the hospital that i want to choke. and there are kids there that i will never forget. one of my little ones discharged yesterday. i cried in our last session. she cried, too. something beautiful happened. i was praying for her today, that god would put a young life leader in her life. funny how much being a young life leader formed how i do therapy…and how i do life. i like it.

i am still not sure what i am doing after graduation. and too tired to even think about it. 

i got to celebrate my sweet friend, courtney’s wedding. she had her first bridal shower last weekend in ohio. i am 100% jell of all the anthro goodies she got as gifts. woo-wee. it is reason enough to get married. jk. 

my life is crazy these days. internship is crazy. class is crazy.

and yet god is so good despite it. for the first time, in a long time, i am having consistent quiet times. reading the word. spending time in prayer. friends, do this. wake up 30 minutes earlier. it changes you. i told a friend the other day that i feel like a baby christian again. 

i kinda went on a hiatus from talking about internship or really anything huge on this blog for awhile…i don’t think it was too intentional but i want to be intentional about writing today.

something happens after 6:30am. i get up and receive strength, manna for the day. and yet usually by mid-morning i am already frustrated, irritated, inpatient, and unkind. 

we have 26 adolescents in the program as of today. from 8:30am-3:30pm i chased them around, listened as they screamed, watched them cry, disciplined them for calling me horrible things…and left the hospital feeling quite empty. 

how had i felt so full. and just as soon so depleted?

as i drove down the parking garage today processing and pleading with the lord for strength i thought of {or he gave me} the perfect phrase for this season of my life.

i am around so much hurt, so much sickness, so much depression, so much abuse.

and it gets on you.

but you can’t carry it. it can’t come down the parking garage. somehow it’s got to get off. be left behind. 

i am being affected. and that’s why i quickly feel depleted. cause i was not made to carry it. i am made to love these sweet patients. but i gotta leave it. i am made to sit with these girls as they have panic attacks and cry and tell me things that they have never told anyone. 

and it gets on me.

and tonight it feels pretty darn heavy. but i am praying as my fingers type these words that they would soon become true. that they would soon become real. and that i learn to give it up. to do what i was made to do, but to give the rest to the lord.

i want a small item for a couple of days to play with.

maybe a puppy or a baby? is that weird? 

i saw a puppy the other day that was the cutest. and i see babies everyday that i want to steal. 

i want them. but not for forever. (at least not right now.)

but gosh, it would be fun for a hot minute. 

I am a really good parallel parker. It doesn’t make sense, I know. But it’s true. I can keep it between the lines.

hello, february.

you are my least favorite month because i can’t say you. 

i mean, who can?

so i have been struggling hard core at my internship. it is so hard. and i just really want it to be over.

isn’t that how we do so many things in life…just want them to be over. count down the days until we’re done. watch the clock till we get to leave. 

i’ve been praying and asking for a new perspective. a better attitude. but when i am faced with a girl who is hearing voices and seeing things, i want to run. to not deal with it. cause it is too hard. 

we’ve got to stop running, friends. it’s not helping.

just this very week i finally put into practice this whole idea of not running from things. let me tell you. it was terribly hard. i learned that we need people. sometimes you need someone to sit with you while you write an email and press the send button.

and it is through these things that you live your one life well. 

for about three weeks now i have been meditating (if i can hesitantly use that word) on the concept of strength. not strength of muscle.                                                         (don’t worry i am not trying to work out.)

but strength supplied from the lord. learning to not depend on my own.

ok, so how?

well this is exactly, precisely, totally what i have been praying about. and questioning. and getting so mad about. cause it doesn’t really make sense.

i am good at being strong. i have learned this strength life well. but i fail quickly.

so this semester of life. of school. how do i do things differently.

how do i live on his strength. not my own. so that on may 5th i don’t collapse but can enjoy and celebrate this school thing being done. 

i don’t know it all yet, but i have been given a few tips:

1.)    s   l   o  w   down. life is not an emergency.

2.) read the bible. like really read it. 

3.) say no. my sweetest friend here in wheaton challenged me of this. say no to people when you’re tired. or even just cause you don’t want to do what they asked. most of the time this finds me in bed reading a book.   

4.) JOY. i was reading this yesterday trying to understand what it means: “the joy of the lord will be your strength.” my little art business and this blog are both titled “blossomingjoy.” joy that is springing up. i’ve always felt that my joy has not been fulfilled. that it is not in full bloom. but i trust that one day it will be. and i hope soon. the joy of the lord. that is the key to this whole strength thing. 

check out this picture. we had set it up on self-timer. apparently something was funny.